If meeting, dating, hookups, and mating was a paying job, then right now in 2021 I would retire with FULL benefits.
By: Dr. Joy Well, Inner Intimacy Soul Specialist
This might be controversial to some but... I’ve decided to join Jay-Z in “retirement”.
Dating #retirement that is.
Jay retired at the peak of success but kept showing up on tracks. He stepped up his collab game, built biz empires, and even went to therapy. He retired as a rapper and became a billionaire who rapped only when it suited him and his pockets.
Last night I entered #dating #retirement willingly because what I’m doing (or not doing) in dating no longer serves my higher purpose or my mental well-being.
I'm retiring from Dating Apps too (and from the self-imposed pressures associated with all of it). And I mean all of it.
If meeting, dating, hookups, and mating was a paying job, then right now in 2021 I would retire with FULL benefits.
And it is a job. Truly. It doesn’t pay well. There are no stock options. And there are some times where you’re laid off or laid up wondering what’s the point as you eat another piece of bread.
For over 20 years (nope I’m not yet 40), I have either talked with, dated guys old and young, fasted from men sometimes for 40 days at a time, traveled far and wide to singles conferences, led talks about dating, hosted dating events, and hopefully sauntered into dates or meet ups leaving quite dismayed.
Sat at the dinner table with my friends and analyzed dating (probably obsessively overanalyzed like Queen's Gambit), remained super-chill, preached on #abstinence, became a passionate turbinado diva who would make you hot and leave you cold, made moves, didn’t make moves, wrote blogs, bought hot girl clothes, waxed, shaved, cooked, stirred, prayed, fasted, blasted and repeat... and not to mention the financials. Men act like they are the only ones paying out for a date. False.
However, if I show up in a new outfit that cost me $75 and he shows up in sweats from 2006, who spent the most? If he has dinner at my place with food that I paid for and cooked for, with electricity and kitchen appliances that are mine and he brings a Sutter Home bottle of Chardonnay... again I say... who spent the most?
There’s a statistic that #singles spend on average 100k on dating in their lifetimes. In some places that’s a whole house and a car, cash money.
DATING IS A WHOLE DAMN JOB, where you spend, financially, emotionally & psychologically more than you earn at times (my perspective). It's grueling and sometimes lonely even with company.
This is not cynicism. It’s my truth. Burnout is real.
Hours upon hours of conversation
Introducing and re-introducing myself Wasting time entertaining BS (we both know you're married)
Playing online cat and mouse games just to past the time cause you're bored Texting and talking (mainly texting) all hours of the night
Listening to half-truths and whole lies. Doing the proverbial coffee first date... again... and then again. Swiping left and right... more lefts than rights.
Ahhh love-bombed again...
Disappearing acts... reappearing with apologies
"I love you" today and "send me a sexy pic" tomorrow
And... let's not forget that I'm a therapist who has heard "don't psychoanalyze me" 1000 times. Too bad I can't bill for that.
I am an expert on dating, past and present. It's becoming extinct like the dinosaurs. We are left with the battle between old school and new school and there are no clear winners (and a lot of losers). I can lay out a whole football sized game plan on online meetups and the silly world of online dating (I started at 18 before the apps). I have had successes and failures. More dismal failures than successes.
I started online dating back when Eharmony sent full books in the mail and guided you through the "art" of dating. Back then it was $240 and you received a lovely package in the mail. Back when AOL IM was still a thing. Back when MySpace was still relevant. Back when the boys on campus weren't checking for me, but I was getting lots of love on college club.
Read hundreds of books, took tons of courses, participated an all-day incubation with an acclaimed matchmaker, went to conferences and diverse discussions, and I’m here to tell ya - it is exhausting (some of you know this).
And the pay out was:
LESSONS LEARNED,
FIGHTING FOR MY DIGNITY,
HAVING TO GET IN AND OUT MY FEELINGS,
WALKING AWAY,
RUNNING BACK DESPERATELY,
SCROLLING,
DELETING,
BLOCKING
AND PICKING UP MY FACE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WHILE I CORRECTED THE CROWN ON MY HEAD.
I’m retiring from dating. Just writing this took a huge boulder off my shoulders.
If I’m gonna do anything in this life that takes up my time, may it be something I love and for people and causes that I cherish.
Imma be like Jay-Z (sans the elevator scene). Retired but flossing. Retired but coming on just enough to: 1. Put someone else on, or 2. Hear myself wax poetic about myself and how great I am.
Feels so good to come into my own, whole, grown woman self.
And to all those I supported in their come up, I'm happy for you and your whole crew.
So grateful for the opportunity to retire from this job. The work was hard (and hard knocks), and the nights were long entertaining those who thought they were "little g" gods.
I’m most certainly looking at my next adventures with freedom and fun.
Making this decision is great for me and for my mental wellness... Even my ovaries are singing Hallelujah.
No pressure.
I will be cheering you all on from the front row. Cause I haven't even hit my prime and I'm done wasting my time. I'm gonna shine!
Hey ladies - Feeling stuck in an overanalytical rut? "Ask Dr. Joy Well" is for you... Get real feedback every Warrior Wednesday - click to send a letter
This post was hand-crafted by Dr. Joy Well - mental health clinician, inner intimacy soul specialist, professor, and avid researcher is one of the quintessential experts on the connection between the mind, body, and immune system. Her doctoral work explored the experiences of women of color living with autoimmune diseases and how they function and experience the medical community and beyond. Once a shy, small-town girl with big dreams, Joy has found peace and purpose working with women of all ages to develop a fierce, faith-filled identity, personally and professionally. She is a clinician and entrepreneur in mental health private practice, seeing women who are self-sabotaging, perfectionistic, driven and high performing. In her spare time, she enjoys making music, movies, writing, and getting into mischief with friends. You can find Dr. Joy on social media @captivatingjoy, @purposeoverpickles and on the best podcast on the planet, Challenge Yo Self (@challenge.courage), available now on all podcast platforms - Listen Now